So I have been in burnout now for several years, I have been existing rather than living. Walking around with my head down desperately trying to get from one day to the next merely just surviving and I didn’t even realise it.
This is a hard one to write about. It is not something people generally talk about but here we go, Burnout….
Burnout is not the same as depression.
Burnout is a state of emotional, physical and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress (taken from the NHS Website).
For me, it probably all began when things got really bad with Samantha in November 2016. It was constant arguments, being beaten up by a six year old, no one believing Samantha had any difficulties and then because the ‘problems’ were just at home clearly it was our fault (parenting).
Having to fight school for so long with both children then constantly having to fight the NHS for services and appointments the children desperately needed (we gave up and went private in the end), it breaks you.
I had difficulties coming to grips with my own new chronic illness and its limitations on my life.
And then not understanding my children’s autism and how to help them certainly before their diagnosis and then after their diagnoses and the concern for their future.
Over time it all took its toll and little by little I lost bits of me. I built a wall to stop chips of me being taken away, without realising that I was at a point that I almost couldn’t be reached. I was still functioning, I was still present but emotionally I was shut down. I just didn’t have anything else to give. Head down, try to survive another day.
Then I had the children home due to covid and as much as most parents appeared to hate it I can honestly say, it was the best thing for me. It woke me up. Having my children around me, laughing and playing, being able to interact with them for fun rather than necessity, it made some of that stress melt away (not all of it obviously, we are still a high needs household) and suddenly I was finding enjoyment in life again.
I am now looking forward to doing things again. I asked hubby for waffles the other day, something so simple but I realised it was the first time I had asked for anything in years, it woke me up. I had a sudden drive for life again and I am excited for this next chapter.
I am looking forward to the future and planning for activities and days out. I am now living rather than existing.
I think it took me so long to wake up from burnout because I didn’t realise I was suffering from it.
Our decision to home educate the children really helped to truly wake me from my emotional burnout. I have realised that I get to spend lots of time with my kids but on my terms.
They will be happier due to reduced anxieties.
No more fighting the school or teachers who don’t understand autism.
I have accepted their diagnoses and am beginning to learn what helps them. As a family we are implementing these things into our lifestyle and it is making a difference to how the children are functioning on a day to day basis.
I understand and accept their future will be whatever it will be and I am doing my best to set them up for it by doing what I am/can now.
I am also accepting help for myself from those around me and realising it doesn’t make me a weaker person for doing so.
I have lost several years to emotional burnout, I was still there but I wasn’t enjoying life anymore merely surviving it. If you think you are living through burnout or heading that way please speak to somebody or find something in your life again that brings you joy, as take it from me, it’s no way to live.
I am really excited for this next chapter in our lives and it truly is wonderful because for the first time in a really long time, I am in a really positive and hopeful place.
